The 8 Online Dating Profiles You’ll Never See IRL

Imagine a world where everyone posted honest online dating profiles. You will no longer have to psychoanalyse everything you read, wondering if “charming” means “ugly” and “well-read” means “never leaves the house”. Some say that would never work but I beg to differ.

In such a world, we simply adjust our selection process. Instead of looking for qualities we want, we sieve out the qualities we can live with. There will be no surprises except good ones. Imagine discovering one day that your pimply-faced, nerdy, agoraphobic boyfriend is super kind to kids and old people (never mind that he never actually steps out of the house to meet them).

Tempting, isn’t it? Here’s a look at some dating profiles from that mythical world…

Online Dating


The Super Lazy Type

  1. “Shocking that I even put up this profile. Looking for motherly types to cook, clean, and occasionally feed me. And the cat. Can’t type anymore. Must nap. Meow.”
Honest Online Dating Profiles

The Two-Timer 

  1. “Hi, the fact is, without meaning to be offensive, I’m actually seeing someone although we’re not anything like exclusive and it’s started to occur to me that we might not be exactly on the same page but you know how it is, no one really wants to be alone so I’m really hoping to find someone perfect out there before I move on.”
Honest Online Dating Profiles

The Settler 

  1. “Looking for someone with lower standards than mine.”
Honest Online Dating Profiles

 The Havoc One

  1. “Heyyy..I love parties! I love beer! I love music! I love wine! I love whiskey! Sometimes I end the night with my head in a toilet bowl but that never stops me! If you want an alcoholic to party with 7 nights a week (because unlike God, I don’t need a day off), call me!”
Honest Online Dating Profiles


The Emotionally Clingy

  1. “I will become emotionally attached if you so much as smile at me. So don’t. Unless you’re ready to move in and make babies today.” (Approaching 35 and so desperate.)
Honest Online Dating Profiles

The Good looking One 

  1. “I’m tall, dark and handsome. Women are always slipping me their phone numbers so I’m never short of dates but I just get sick of them so fast. If you don’t mind a brief fling with someone who loves himself more than you, I’m your guy.”
Honest Online Dating Profiles

 The Pseudo-Food Connoisseur 

  1. “I’m an excellent cook and I love to eat. I taste fruits at the supermarket, I never refuse a free sample, I eat what I cook, when I’m stressed, when I’m happy, when I’m nervous, sometimes even when I’m hungry. If you try to stop me, I will hurt you.”
Honest Online Dating Profiles



 The High Flyer

8.  “It’s important to be successful. I define success with a high-flying career, a six-figure salary, a convertible and a penthouse in the city. If you’re in my league, we should meet.”

Honest Online Dating Profiles


So that’s it! Do you think we missed out on any profiles? Share it with us and we might just feature them in our next article!


~ Li Ching (Who is Lazy But will Move for Food)