Yes. I am full of crap. If a breakup can be easy, there won’t be 385,961 articles written about it at any one time. (Yep I counted. I count really well. My kindergarten teacher said so.) The fact is breaking up is real easy. Recovery, though, is a major pain. But nobody wants to hear that. So cover your ears and read this – My Ha-Ha-Ha-You’ll-Never-Make-It Guide to Breakup Recovery.
- Indulge Yourself (Easy Warm-up First Step)
Truly, go to extremes. Eat ice cream till you puke. Watch 3 days of TV. Cry. Smash up all his things. Cry. Whine to your friends (Good ones will buy you lots of alcohol. Dump the rest. Might as well.) Cry some more. For one week. What? I hear you exclaim. C’mon, life goes on you know? Don’t work, how to pay rent / support parents / eat ice cream?
- Accept the Breakup (**&#@* Second Step)
Writers / the World usually place Acceptance right at the end of the list because it’s the hardest to do. But not me. I like challenges. Just do it at the start I say. Right after the Ice Cream (priorities, man.) So, no second-guessing yourself or him. No regrets. Embrace the Breakup. YOU LOVE BREAKUPS. MORE BREAKUPS FOR EVERYBODY. Commit, I say, commit.
- NO Contact (Sensible Third Step)
Anytime now, my Lovely Editor is going to tell me, No More Duh’s. I live in dread. How would I express myself?!
In case Duh wasn’t entirely self-explanatory. Let me explain. No messages. No emails (who emails their boyfriend? You might need therapy for this.) No phone calls. No Facebook. No Peek-A-Boo. No talking. No stalking. No stalking masquerading as talking. No Facebook. Again, NO Facebook.
- Separate the Relationship/Breakup from You (Mental Fourth Step)
Why are all the mental steps the hardest? For example, the other day I tried to use my mind to switch on the TV. I think you know it didn’t work. Thank the Universe for the remote control. Otherwise I might have had to get off the sofa. But hard as it is, this is one thing you must know:
A Failed Relationship ≠ A Failed You.
Believing this is critical to maintaining a healthy self-esteem. Why is that important, you ask? Indeed, it’s not like a healthy self-esteem can buy ice cream. But all the self-help books advocate this so I think we should just trust them. It can’t be a bad thing anyway. So, Love Yourself.
- Indulge in Other Pleasures (Finally. Fifth Step.)
If you want to be happy, you have to do happy things (Duh almost came out.) Go out and play with your friends. Exercise (I hear there’s a thing called Endorphins that’s produced when you exercise which makes you happy. But that could be just an urban legend.) Play with some animals (cats and dogs is what I mean.) Watch stand-up comedy. Dance. How do you know if you’re on the right track? If you’re laughing, you’re on the right track. Unless you’re just drunk (refer to Step 1.) Then you really have to get your act together and move on to Steps 2-5.
- Bonus Sixth Step (Buy 5 Get 1 Freeeee!)
When you think you’re Ready, you’re a New Person, you Laugh and it sounds Right, download the Paktor app and start swiping right!
~ Li Ching (Duh.)