Well, I never thought I’d ever relive the most horrible date of my life again. But in the interest of all the beautiful ladies (and men) out there…. I shall. Since this person had literally checked every single deadly sin a guy can commit on a first date.
As I’m writing this I still shudder at the absolute worst date so far after being on planet earth for 31 years. I will remember it till the day I leave planet earth and head to a really nice place called heaven (or hell.. you never know).
**All names have been changed to protect the innocent and the f***ing guilty!**
In the beginning of December 2012, Andrew, my JC mate/good friend decided to introduce me to his good friend Kyle over dinner at Robertson Quay. Andrew then was chasing a girl called Geraldine and decided that it would be best to do a double date since he also needed moral courage. Dinner went ok, except for the fact that he had 3 mobile phones that he kept on fiddling with at intervals. 2 for work and 1 for personal use. I vividly remember exclaiming out loud “EH YOU RUNNING AN MNC AH?!!” he seemed to have gotten the hint and touched his phones lesser after that. We didn’t exchange numbers and I didn’t think much about it.
BUT 2 weeks later, I received a whatsapp message from an unknown number. It went along the lines like this…
K: Hey Char! It’s Kyle? Sorry for late reply. Friday dinner? I date you.
Reply? What reply?? I wasn’t even the one who first messaged you…. I found it also puzzling that his first few sentences were made of 2 words or 4 words max. But I figured why not meet him since the group dinner we had did go ok and surely I could trust Andrew since he knew this guy really well.
Me: Hey Kyle what have you been up to since we last met? Sure Friday sounds good ! Let me know what time to meet Looking forward to it !
K: Ok. What do you want to eat?
Me: Anything but Jap! I just recovered from a stomach flu.
K: Ok! Let’s go Sun Moon Cafe at Wheelock Place..
Me: …But that’s Jap….
Deadly Sin #1 – Not listening
Are you deaf? Or do you only prefer the sound of your own voice?
And he didn’t reply after that.. so ok fine, I could still order cooked food even though it was a Japanese restaurant. The Friday came and I ditched my normal going out attire of shorts and t shirt and put on a dress and a pair of flats (I was afraid that I’ll bruise his ego if I wore heels cos he was my height! Come to think of it I should have just worn my 5 inch heels!!)
I reached Wheelock at 645pm and then my nightmare began..
K: Late.. At work drinks with my team. Be a bit late.. Rushing over in about 15 minutes..
Me: Ok. I go walk around ION, When you’re about to reach, let me know I’ll pop over to Wheelock.
*fast forward more than an hour later… at around 8pm
Deadly Sin #2 – Being late on a first date
YOU asked me out and you were 90 mins late. How am I late ???
K: Otw already. See you.
Me: Ok. I’ll walk over….
I thought he would be there at the restaurant already.. but no…
*fast forward another half hour – 830pm. I was getting very annoyed….
K: At Robert Timms downstairs. Come down.
So I made my way down. Only to see him smoking and talking on his phone. He gestured at me to sit down at this table. Yes I sat there with my patience wearing very thin while he continued to talk on his phone…
K: Eh you’re late! I already ordered food for you….
Deadly Sin #3 – Making Unintelligent (chauvinistic) assumptions
How do you know what I want to eat? You don’t even know me… AND I didn’t know you were psychic. Can you tell that I actually really wanna slap you with my shoe NOW?
I can tell you one thing…
He then started talking about what he actually does and his family (with my blood boiling) …. Our food arrived, He had actually ordered a salad for me… SALAD?? DO I LOOK LIKE A RABBIT TO YOU ?? Then…
K: Eh i’m moving to Hong Kong to work soon, don’t worry we can do a LDR.
I stopped short, eyes opened wide and about to pop out of my head.
K: Yah you know Hong Kong so near, now budget flights so cheap, can la every fortnight you can fly up for the weekend.
K: I think 4 kids is enough for us. I am on a 5 digit salary now can support 4 kids should be enough.
Me: This is our first date, isn’t this too serious to talk about?
K: No leh, mai tu liao, we old already. Must chop chop….
Deadly Sin #4 – Insinuating that a girl is old… or that her body clock is ticking
CHOP SIMI CHOPPPPP?!! The only thing I wanna chop off is your head
Me: But I don’t even like you yet (not even close actually)…
K: DON’T WORRY !! You will surely like me… ALL girls like me one… just that I’m picky.
Me: I’m flattered, but I think in this instance it’s only one way and WILL remain that way…
K: Don’t worry, I can change your mind…
Deadly Sin #5 – Imposing your values on others
CHANGE MY MIND?? WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?? GOD’S GIFT TO WOMEN??
K: Eh I need to make a phone call… Eh shift the table, it’s not in line with the floor tiles…
Deadly Sin #6 – Not being gentlemanly
MOVE THE TABLE??? What did you just say??
I felt like stabbing him, I desperately needed to plan my “escape” before he returned from his call…
K: That was work, I have to make the money for us…. Eh let’s take a photo together to mark our first date..
and he conveniently took my phone that’s on the table… and started to take photos…
Deadly Sin #7 – Touching what’s not yours (especially a girl’s personal belongings)
I DO NOT WANT YOUR AS*HOLE FACE IN MY PHONE… NOBODY TOUCHES MY PHONE… ABSOLUTELY NO ONE!!
Me: I have to go, my sister suddenly called me and she’s locked out of the house… I need to go home NOW…
(cut me some slack.. this was the best I could come up within that 1 minute….and if he had actually asked me about my family, he would have known that I don’t have a sister….)
K: So early…we can meet next week… oh this is for you… Merry Christmas…
He placed a Swarovski box in front of me. I muttered a word of thanks and said no thanks shoved it back to him (there was no way in hell I was gonna take something like that). He insisted that he walk me to the bus stop but I refused thank god his phone rang and I ran off…
So that ends one of the most horrible dates I’ve ever experienced. And Kyle… i hope you’re reading this… cos I’m pretty sure you need to.
So boys…. Just so you have it all in one place:
Now you have no reason to be damned.
xx The Paktor Queen